This is hilarious!


What Will Michael Do Next?
Wednesday September 13 2006

Since Michael Schumacher called it quits on Sunday there has been much speculation about what his new role with Ferrari will be

The Planet-F1 think tank was convened and all the options considered and given a rating on the probability-ometer. So here we have it, the things that Schumi could do next. It's bound to be one of them (but possibly not No.3)

Schumi's New Career Move

Forming a Ferrari sportscar team to make an assault on the Le Mans 24 hour title - comprising Schumacher, Badoer and Massa.
Likelihood rating - 28%

Forming a Ferrari sportscar team to make an assault on the Le Mans 24 hour title - comprising Schumacher, Villeneuve and Hill.
Likelihood rating - 2%

Becoming Michelle Foster's personal chauffer (weekends only)
Likelihood rating - 3%

Heading up a Ferrari performance driving centre at Fiorano, where high rolling Ferrari drivers get taught to handle their cars without sticking them into trees.
Likelihood rating - 53%

Changing his name to Michael Schumakkinen and leading a Ferrari rally team in the WRC.
Likelihhood rating - 9%

Promoting a new range of Ferrari haircare products - be blonder with just one trip to the schu-ower (did anyone notice his hair on Sunday - it's gone all sandy).
Likelihood rating - 12%

Italy is famous for it's fine, hand-crafted shoes. Michael will head up his own Ferrari footwear brand with the promise of great grip in the wet or dry. Slogans will include: "Shoes from the Schumacher."
Likelihood rating - 37%

Starting a Ferrari driver development programme by coaching the stars of tomorrow - taking youngsters from karting age (And Michael knows a hell of a lot about karting) through to F3.
Likelihood rating - 71%

Fronting a new TV programme for "da kids". If Eddie Jordan can get respect from da kids, then fo sho The Schumster can. The first project will be called Pimp My Ferrari Ride.
Likelihood rating - 42%

Becoming the new head of the FIA replacing Max Mosley (the job is, after all, based in Maranello. Ouch)
Likelihood rating - 50%

Organising the Ferrari Christmas party and the summer works outing, a coach tour to Rimini plus slap-up pasta lunch in Georgio's trattoria
Likelihood rating - 83%

Promoting a new brand of Ferrari shirts that are designed for the man who likes to tuck it in.
Likelihood rating - 64%

Writing the script for a new cartoon series for kids based on his own experiences of motor racing. Schumi will star, of course, alongside his co-driver Muttley, driving the Ferrari mean machine.
Likelihood rating - 33%

hahaha, that's great

This is the reality of it:
http://formula-1.updatesport.com/news/article/1158592010/formula_one/Retired-Schu-still-worth-millions/view.html

Not surprising really

Btw, I still think there'll be some kind of special edition Ferrari
:P

$800M OMG

yeah...

Oh look, more money!

Schumi's Sekret Diary: Mafioso

 

He may be retired, but Michael Schumacher is enjoying his role as "ex-girlfriend" to the Ferrari team.

Hello my never endingly loyal tifosis. It is a very strange feeling that I have right now. Winter is almost over, my sap is rising, but for the first time since my much-loved but donut-shaped brother entered the world, I am not about to start a season of motor racing.

My role this year is to help still the Ferrari team, but I hear that Mark Webber thinks I am like an ex-girlfriend showing up on dates. Perhaps he thinks also I am like the woman in Fatal Attraction who shows up in the motorhome to boil Kimi's bunny.

It is true that I have a depth of love for Jean that is not normal between driver and team manager, but this is because we are together for so long. We have shared many victories, many sadnesses, many hotel rooms and showers. It is impossible to switch off.

On the subject of Kimi, quite honestly and obviously he does not look good in red. I claim no great prize for looking good in red, because I think you need a slightly dark skin to pull it off. Ivan Capelli looked great in Ferrari overalls and Felipe would too if he managed to get some height. On the other hand, Kimi looks pale and ill. Perhaps it is because he suspects somewhere his bunny is boiling.

It is not good news to hear that Nigel Stepney (or, as I joke, the Ferrari team member I like to run over the most) is not happy at the Scuderia. I might need to say a little word in someone's ear.

Since Ross left it is a bit like a mafia coup at Maranello. The boss of the family (Ross) leaves, and all the 'Capos' argue for the top jobs. Nigel wants to be a Capo, too, but he doesn't have what it takes to be a 'made man'. He is not Italian. And just like the mafia won't take any non-Italians so Nigel needs to find some Sicilian grandparents - and quickly.

I was interesting to read some of Mike Gascoyne's comments from the Jordan/Midland/Spyker launch (or, as we used to joke at Ferrari, the Jordan/Midland/Spyker push-start). Mike is nicknamed the Rottweiler. I always thought it was because he smelled like a rottweiler but apparently it's because he likes to bite people. No wonder he didn't last long at Toyota. The Japanese don't like those sort of management practises that they have in English firms.

Even though Red Bull have an Adrian Newey-designed car they are not doing so well with the testing times. This is because Renault have given them a batch of comedy engines - or, as they say in England right now - the Bernard Matthews ones. I think if the engineers scraped the oil off the crankcase they would see 'Made in 2005' on the side.

Some of the more closely observing types will have seen reports of my GoKart test. It is true that I have been testing a kart for the Tony Kart team, but this is only so I can get a free one for Mick Junior's eighth birthday in March.

It will be interesting to see if he enjoys kart racing the way Ralf and I did.

Of course if he ever became an F1 driver he would be having a lot of pressure and things in his life would be so complicated. In the record books it states that M.Schumacher is already the most successful driver of all time, yet he would be winning races fourteen years after he retired.

Perhaps we should give the kart to Gina Maria.

And finally some congratulations are due to Juan-Pablo Montoya for winning the Daytona 24 hours. People think we did not get on during out time together in F1, but that is not true. I'm pleased, I really am. It's nice for him to win a small amateur race and get his confidence back.

The Schum

Translating F1 PR Speak...............

Both drivers were very focused for all three days.

We wouldn't let them near their Xbox 360s and we hid their mobile phones

We had a planned engine and gearbox change over lunchtime.

We had an unplanned and gearbox change over lunchtime

He completed the programme as planned which was good.

We rewrote the programme mid-afternoon when he'd only done 15 laps.

Xxxxxx (driver) went through our programme and found some interesting bits in terms of the car set-up.

Our driver managed to point out where the engineers had ****ed up and corrected them.

We will now have to analyse the work we have done this week and focus a little bit more on performance during the next test.

Man, we were slow.

As for xxxxxxx (test driver), it was a good chance to work with the race team. We have had some encouraging results this week, and we will look to build on them next week with Xxxxx and Xxxxxxx.

Xxxxx and Xxxxxxx had better be quicker than him.

It was interesting having two different compounds here.

Bridgestone said "here's the tyres - take them or leave them."

It has been a positive test for the team and we have continued to learn about the new Bridgestone Potenza tyres.

It'd be hard not to, driving around for 120 laps.

We have still got some fine-tuning to do on the car as the balance is not quite there yet, so next week's test will be important to help us resolve this before the season starts.

The engine's too far back on the chassis, and we haven't got a clue how to correct it.

It's been a good week in Bahrain for us and we have completed all the mileage that we had planned.

Though the plan was to do that mileage every day - and not in total.

We have been able to get a fuller understanding of the car and how it works in the warmer temperatures, including looking at areas such as the cooling system, which has been productive.

Surprisingly, the car works outside of Spain.

It was a chance for me to see the latest performance upgrades, and we have useful feedback from the developments that have been incorporated.

I couldn't tell if they made the car faster or not.

It was great to see some of the work that has been done at the Technology Centre on the car, as we progress towards Australia.

Something worked for a change.

My lap times were not at the top of the timesheets but that was more because we were concentrating on long runs rather than qualifying simulations.

And let's hope the team sponsors believe that.

The package is not yet optimised so we've got a lot of work to do to get the performance we want.

...we've managed to stop it from breaking down, though, so that $50m isn't totally down the toilet.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Both very funny andro!

Thanks!