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What are your favourite jokes? Share them here.
What is sticky and brown?
uuummm.... melted chocolate?
A stick.
What?<div>
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What?<div>
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<div>haha</div>
hahahahaha
YEESH!!!
Q: Did you hear about the robbery in the laundry room?
A: Two clothespins held up a pair of pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.
Why are there fences around graveyards ???
Because the living are just DYING to get in !! HAHAHA
AN APPEAL:
Muto is a Malawaian orphan who gets up at dawn each morning and walks 5 miles to and from school everyday. This takes him four hours each day and cuts into the time he has taking care of his two younger sisters.
With your help of just $2 a month we can buy a whip and make the lazy batsard run to school.
LOL!
and.... oh dear....
Two electrons walking down the street. One says, "I think I'm an ion".
His buddy asks, "Are you sure?"
He replies, "Yeah, I'm positive"
This is how this worked for me
*pause*.....*splutter*..."ah.... hahahahaha".
LOL.
A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane.
When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex.
After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''
hee-hee
Man: Doctor, doctor! I think I'm a moth!
Doc: I can't help you with that. You should see a psychiatrist.
Man: Well, I was on my way to see the psychiatrist, but I noticed your light was on...
haha cute!!!
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.
"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.
"Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."
BE WARNED
Two shifty men are sitting on a train across from a little old lady who happens to have a terrible hacking cough.
Every time she starts wheezing and hacking away, she reaches into her handbag and takes out a large bottle, puts it to her lips and the hacking stops.
Now one gent suggests to the other that she's got a drop of the hard stuff in the bottle and that they make a grab for it next time they go through a tunnel, when it's dark, have a swig each and return it to her bag before they exit the tunnel. The other is a little perturbed by this robbing of a poor little old lady, but both being old soaks, he can't resist the chance of a crafty nip.
The train approaches a tunnel and the men ready themselves. The train darkens and quick as a flash they reach in to her bag, snatch the bottle and each have a goodly deep draughty swallow of the rich nectar therein. As the train leaves the tunnel they quickly return the bottle with the old dear none-the-wiser.
A short while later the old dears cough starts up again and so she reaches for her bottle, but before she puts it to her lips she looks at it and asks the gentlemen if anything odd happened whilst they were passing through the tunnel. They each swear up and down that nothing untoward happened, and, by way of feigned innocence ask why she would ask such a thing. She replies "It's funny, I was sure there was more phlem in the bottle before"
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
grosssssss
| There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog. So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, “I need a good guard dog.” And the clerk replied, “Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate.” The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair.” The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, “Karate that table.” The dog went up to the table and broke it in half. So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said “Karate my ass!” | ||
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Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*** off our car!"
LOL
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using
a bowl of lifesavers. The children began to identify each color,
taste that color and say:
Red........................cherry,"
Yellow..................lemon,"
Green...................."lime"
Orange.....................orange,"
Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers.
After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
Well," the teacher said, "I'll give you all a clue, it's what your mother may sometimes call your father.
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled:
Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!"
ROFL
"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"
"I'm Jim."
"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??"
"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"
So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. "Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says.
"Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.
"Is it your brother?"
"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.
When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?"
Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved.
"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!"
"Then, who is it?" Jim asks.
Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!"
There was this guy walking around the town stark naked, when a cop pulls up and says to him, "hey you're under arrest, you cant walk around the town without any clothes on"
But the guy says "please don't arrest me officer, I can explain everything to you".
So the cop says "ok I'll let you explain, but this had better be good".
The guy then says, "about an hour ago I was taking a walk on the outskirts of town, when I saw a beautiful woman sitting and waiting for a bus, being a little tired I sat down beside her and we began a conversation. She said to me "do you think that I am beautiful"? and I replied "oh yes, you are very beautiful". She then said "would you like to see more of me"? to which I replied "oh yes indeed". She then took off her blouse and asked me to remove my shirt, then she removed her skirt and I removed my trousers. Then she removed her bra and I removed my vest. Then she removed her undies and I removed my undies, and there we both stood, completely naked. Then she said "right, now go to town" and officer, here I am.
HAHAHAHAHA
haha oh dear!!!
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: It's going to take me awhile to get hard, I just got laid by a chick.
