Wise Old Man

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

Haha.

Start pay people to do what they already do and stop, and then they'll start complaining as if they couldn't imagine to ever do it without getting payed and quit.

Brilliant.

:D

Them old folks is tricky peoples.

Can I Haz Fooling Skillz?

Poor Old Man

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day"

The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?"

The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"

LOL!

That would make one cry.... yes

It does!

hahahaha

That's just miserable!

The Wrong Way

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there''s a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

ROFL!!

I didn't see that punchline coming!

I did - I've heard that one a few times before!

It is saying that he is the one Driving the wrong way and and he does not realise it

It is saying that he is the one Driving the wrong way and and he does not realise it

uhhh.... yeah, I got that

I will try and find a better one

Tough Love

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

"No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!"

ROFL!!

You come up with all those jokes that I shouldn't be laughing at, but can't help bursting out at!

The Wrinkled Nightgown

A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.

Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"

LOL!

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Yes, I like that one.....

I went into the kitchen and my grandad was hunched over the table.  I said "what you doing grandad"? He replied, "A jigsaw of this chicken" and held up the box.  I said "Grandad, put those cornflakes back in before gran sees you!"

hah!!   

Love it!

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

hahahaha, reminds me of something, but I can't remember what!

just how old are you andro?   

James Bond (the first one) is one year older than me.

really? you seem much younger. (but, still mature)

are you as sexy as sean connery?

Of course I am! (I'm very modest as well)

ooh........shiny!

24 carat!

see? you are so youthful..............................say........are your pants hanging down to your knees?

Actually mine are hanging down to my ankles.... (it's winter over here in OZ)

HAHAHAHAHA

i hope you are wearing long-johns, sounds chilly!

It is chilly here, and no long johns either

hope this helps:

Thanks for that moneypenny, it helped considerably..

more of an old couple joke.....

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting. Well,for example,the other day the wife and I went
into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5
minutes. When we came out,there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior
citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I
called him a Dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another
ticket for having worn tires.

So Mary called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it
on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third
ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the
more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived. We try to have a little fun each day now that
we're retired. It's important at our age.

Hahahaha, andro likes that one..

LOL!!

I can't wait to get old!

yeah......i could definitely have some fun....

this joke totally reminded me of my dad..........that is right up his alley.

this one is different, but along the same lines:

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? 
 
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! 

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driver's license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse with her license in it; and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I gotta remember that one!

Good one, moneypenny..

I might use that one if I ever get pulled over.  

thanks, bond.

Thats good

here's an old couple joke:

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

I likes it....

A 98 year old man walks in to a chemist and asks for 6 viagra tablets cut into quarters.
The assistant says you wont get the full effect....The old man says at my age I dont need the full effect, I just want it to get long enough to stop me pissing on my slippers.

lmao......that is funny!

An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview, the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them. "Are these your grand kids?" the reporter asked.

"Naw, sir, they all be my youngens," the old man replied with a sly grin.

"Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?"

"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."

"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19-years old."

"Thass right." said the old man with pride.

"Well surely you can't have a sex life with you being 115 and she is only 19," the reporter remarked.

"Naw, sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off."

"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?"

"Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I fights 'em."

lol.....

I think I will avoid jokes involving Old Men and nails for a while.

ROFL!!

Smart idea Ruski

The compare comes on the stage of the working mens club and says "Before tonights act I have a notice for you all, Bill Riley, who hasn't missed a show here for years, won't be coming because he's 111 today"  Audience gasps and applauds Bill.  The compare then looks up and says "Oh sorry, no he's not, he's ill"...

An Old Man's Woes

An sad, old man sitting was sitting on a park bench when along came a police officer. The officer asked the old man why he was so upset.

The old man replied, "Every morning I wake up with a wonderful 20 year old blonde. She cooks great meals including sausage, and bacon and everything I love. Then we make passionate love in bed. Afterwards, she gives me a bath, with handdrawn hot water, cooks me lunch and followed by more passionate love. In the evening, we'll have top the day off with a fantastic diner and yet more wonderful love.

The police officer gets a puzzled look on his face and asks, "Well, what seems to be the problem?"

The old man replied with a sad look on his face, "I can't remember where I live!"

LOL!

Hahahahaha, I likes it..

One liner old man quotes:

• Back in MY day, a rubber was an eraser!
• Back in MY day, being a fudge-packer was a hard and grueling job!
• Back in MY day, Minesweeper was a job title!
• Back in MY day, saying you were gay meant you were happy!
• Back in MY day, good music consisted of whistles, clicks, and knee slaps!

- Old man quotes 

you're gay

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