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The Devoted Wife As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What, my dear?" she asked gently. "You're a goddamn jinx!"
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
Rotflol! xD
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."The first man said."You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife," The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
ROLF!!!
Not exactly a wife joke but it's my favorite one of 08 so far
A man is driving down the road when a rabbit runs out in front of his car,
Being such and animal lover the man slams on the brakes trying to avoid killing the rabbit.
"Thump" "Thump"
The man hits the rabbit. He stops his car, gets out and goes to see if maybe the poor little animal is still alive. To his dismay the rabbit is dead. The man is so broken up over killing the rabbit that he starts sobbing in the middle of the road.
Another car approaches and stops to see why the man is in the middle of the road crying. The young lady walks up to him and says "Sir, what seems to be the matter?" The sniffles and says "Can't you see! I killed this poor little rabbit" "Is that all?" replies the woman. The man is distraut over her lack of concern and explains "I tried to stop so I wouldn't kill him but it was too late and now thre's nothing I can do to bring him back to life"
Now overcome with admiration for the man who cares so deeply for the rabbit the woman says "I can fix it"
She runs to her car and returns with a spray can.
She sprays the rabbit from top to bottom.
The rabbit jumps up and hops 10 feet stops and waves
He runs another 10 feet stops and waves
Yet another 10 feet stops and waves before he is in the woods and out of sight.
The man is astonished by what just happen and asks "Ma'ma! What did you do to the rabbit to bring it back to life?"
"What is in that can of miracle spray"
"Nothing special" replies the woman. She then turns the can around for the man to read
HAIR SPRAY - RESTORES LIFE AND PERMANENT WAVE TO DEAD HAIR"
ROFL!
Permanent wave!
not exactly a wife joke, but.........
A man is walking down a beach, and accidentally kicks a bottle out of the sand. He opens the bottle, and a genie appears. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. I can only grant one.
" The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because airplanes are much too frightening for me and boats make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I can't do it. Imagine all the work involved. All the piling to hold up the highway needed and all the pavement. Ask for something else."
"Well," the man said. "I would like to be able to understand women. Basically, what makes them tick.
" The genie considered this for a couple of minutes and said, "So, do you want that road two lanes or four?"
Mwahahahaha!
LOL!
That is funny and so true 
A test of man's best friend ...
Put your wife and your dog in the boot of a car.
After an hour or so, open the boot.
Guess which one is pleased to see you ... ?
HAHAHAHA
And you have tried this?
Ruski73: pWn4g3z! So little text, so much fun!
great one, ruski!
Don't encourage him....
aw.......come on, it's funny.
i guess this could be considered a 'wife joke'.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The church minister asked if anyone in the congregation would like to
express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the lectern. She said, “I have a praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible motor cycle accident
and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and
the doctors didn't know if they could help him.”
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as
they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, “Jim was unable to hold me or the children, and every
move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a
delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed
remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in
place.”
Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they
imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She went on, “Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say,
with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
All the men sighed with relief.
The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the lectern. He said, “I'm Jim and I want to
tell my wife, the word is ‘sternum’.”
hahahah
hahahaha, I likes it!
again, not necessarily a wife joke.....
Men and Women
- A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.
- A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need.
- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
- A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
- A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.
- To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
- Women somehow deteriorate overnight.
- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
- A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.
- Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.
- Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
- A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
Hey, that's the truth! 
Stumpy and His Wife
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
HAHAHAHAHAHAAH
Ok, that's funny!
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to
an argument and neither of them wanted to concede
their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
haha...very true
A man has six children...
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"
His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
classic and very funny.
I've been in love with the same woman for many years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
While driving the car on a cross country trip I decided to lose 120 pounds of ugly fat... I left my wife at a rest stop...
hahahaha
*tsk tsk*
LOL! That's a funny guy!
the king of the one-liners.
My wife is not so good in the kitchen. I wouldn't exacltly describe her food as Cordon Bleu, more like Cordoned Off...
hahahahah
terrible!
Good stuff bluegirl and Arfur...
Just before their first long deployment two Navy buddies
were talking about the stress of leaving their families. A
senior officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard
the conversation and offered the following advice:
"You must be sensitive to your wives' emotional needs," he
said. "Never, ever, whistle while you pack!"
lol!
good one.
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and
it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until
they mature into something which you'd like to have dinner
with." -Anonymous woman
That is funny and true.........
i love it.
*off to look for grapes*
this one is actually a husband joke, i guess:
One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.
As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.
He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"
"Yes," was his reply.
She said, "Well, today I didn't do it!"
---------------------
Keeping Fit
Grandpa Melvin Cranston was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"I will tell you the secret of my success," he happily cackled. "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
And, Grandpa Melvin continued, "Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
-----------------------------------
Alimony
Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said. "And, I have decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then, I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
Here's a rude one.
What has Lobster Thermidor and a decent blow-job got in common?
Well, you don't get either in our house...
D'oh!....
rofl!
poor arthur.
---------------------
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they had passionate relations all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.
As the man prepared to leave, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been together all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying jerk! You've been playing golf!"
this one is really a mother-in-law joke:
-------------------------
A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.
A farmer replied, "Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."
"Well," replied the man, "She must have had a lot of friends."
"Nope," said the farmer, "We all just want to buy his mule."
hahahahaha
Terrible....
'A doctor, a lawyer, and a mathematician were having a conversation about the relative benefits of wives and mistresses.
The doctor insisted that, from a health perspective, it was far better to have a wife. He talked about stress, relaxation, routine, and other factors.
The lawyer contended that it was better to have a mistress, because that way you retain more of your legal rights, she doesn't own half your property, and so forth.
The mathematician said that he could see both sides of that argument, but really he thought it was best to have both.
"Both?", the doctor and the lawyer exclaimed. "Why?"
"Sure, both. That way, when the wife thinks you're with the mistress, and the mistress thinks you're with the wife, you can sneak off by yourself and do mathematics."
*chuckle*
It'd be amazing if he could manage to get a wife and a mistress in the first place!
A wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband.
'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!' she said.
'Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in less than 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'
Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday. And finally she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully bought......
Apparently he's dead now ....but died a legend ...
ROFL!!!!
I thought the answer would be a blue Landy
Zero to 100 things to repair in less than 4 seconds.
HAHAHA
Awwwww
Yes. It is service time. Some fairly special clunks coming out of the front wheels at the moment. Will be doing front brake cylinders and shoes; wheel studs and bearings and locking hubs. Will also "inspect" the swivel balls and universal joints on front shafts but will do so with very dark glasses on. When I get around to it. Not wanting to hijack the thread ....
Old Land Rovers are a wife joke. Just that mine doesn't see the funny side of it.
i saw a bumper sticker recently on a vw van (old school) that said--
zero to sixty in 10 minutes
it's dangerous to have something that funny on the road, where people read from behind the wheel.
hahaha Good point!
Yes. I saw one of these the other day. I am almost certain it said "Zero to 100 in the same day" but unfortunately I could not catch up to the vehicle wearing the sticker so I cannot be sure.
You must have been driving the Landy at the time Ruski?
lol!
Wife Joke:
Morgan gets married.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
back to the real wife jokes:
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."
"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
More a husband joke:
"Women will forgive anything. Otherwise, the race would have
died out long ago." —Robert Heinlein
now, that's true.
LOL!
I'm still not sure if this is a jibe at men or women, to be honest
Men are very forgiving.....
Nah... just forgetful
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden _expression on his face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
****************************************************
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
HAHAHAHAHA
"Women should have labels on their foreheads that say,
'Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your
brains, genitals, current account, confidence, razor blades,
and good standing among your friends'." -Jeffrey Bernard
Q. Why is the space between a womans breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits there.
lmao!!
A woman came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making
Love to a very attractive young woman.
Needless to say the wife was VERY upset!
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to
Me a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.
I want a divorce straight away!'
And he replied:
'Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what
happened.
'Fine, go ahead', she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words
you'll say to me!'
And he began:
'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young
Lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and
Defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car..
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my
compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made
for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid
you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while
She was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I
Threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer
jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because
you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your
anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have
good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you
don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you
bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work
has a pair like them..'
He took a quick breath and continued:
'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked
Her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said
'Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?''
LOL!!
Terrible...
That is Funny and so true
excuse me? that's true?
poor bambam.
Thanks Bluegirl 
LOL!
Proof that Men Have Better Friends...
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
lmao!
hahaha you see... this is wrong....
By the time the husband would get around to calling the final friend, the woman and her friends would have already passed the message and gotten their story straight
alooooo....
badd day for her
