"It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."  
     --Muhammad Ali  

I can relate to that!!!

......hahaha.......

1. Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. 'No' is the answer.

2. Never buy a car you can't push. 

3. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

4. Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.

5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 

6. Only dead fish go with the flow. 

7. People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people. 

8. Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist! 

9. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. 

10. Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.  

these are good! 

Capital punishment: them without the capital get  the punishment.  

 --John Spenkelink, d. May 25, 1979  (Executed in electric chair)

 Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.   
--Dave Barry   

  HAHAHAHA.....Excellento.

PHILANTHROPIST, n: One who gives away what he should give back.  
     ---Unknown.  

 This is more true than funny!

"Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a
comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in
an infantile fantasy land where every problem can be solved
with violence." --Bill Maher

 HAHAHAHAHAHA.  (i LIKE THAT).

'A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.'
W.C.Fields

from  http://www.malt-shovel.com.au/home.asp

 When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Henry Youngman.  

From the same source as dek's. 

HAHAHAHHAHA I like that one!

source

 Don't get 'source'y' with me!!!!

Please accept my most sincere apologies....

...should wear clothes....

bah!

People in galss houses... should wear clothes....

*glass.. Ah shit I give up...

it's BC... (before coffee)

HAHAHAHA

Funny.... I just had a conversation abt the Glass House n ABC 

For a while I thought you were talking abt the same thing 

I loved the Glass House, and now it's gone.

Me too...

Did anyone watch the Dave Hughes special on ch 9 last nite??

I miss him the most.... he's just soooooo funny 

 Yeah, I watched it. (nothin else to watch)

His Father was a funny guy wasn't he???

hehehehe very!!

And that bit with his bro.... It was so funny to hear them both speak the same way!

yeeeeeaaaaaaaa 

*in the hughsie voice*

 I thought that bit where he asked that girl what her name was, and if they had ever done it was hilarious. 

     Warnambool has a lot to answer for. 

hehehehe yeah!!

"President Bush is claiming that a new postal law gives him
the authority to read anyone's letters without a warrant. If
you're upset about the law, you can let Bush know by writing
to your sister." --Conan O'Brien

From dodgeball... one that made me cry...

"You're as useful as a cock flavoured lollipop"

"Have you heard about this? The Glidden paint company is now
selling a line of paints called "team colors" – you can now
paint your house the colors of your favorite football team.
This is a smart move for guys. This way your wife won't want
the house in the divorce." --Jay Leno

"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm
destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to
the heavens, "Why, God? Why me?" and the thundering voice
of God answered, "There's just something about you that
pisses me off."
    ---Stephen King

As a child my mother would always tell me not to sit so close to the TV, that it was bad for my eyes.  Now, as an adult I spend 8+ hours a day within 2 feet of a computer screen.

"There is never enough time, unless you're serving it."
    ---Malcolm Forbes

"No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it." --Charles M. Schulz

"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left." --Oscar Levant

"To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost." --Gustave Flaubert

A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in love.
Just ask yourself this one question: "Would I mind being
destroyed financially by this person?"

"No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it." --Charles M. Schulz

 I love that one. *says the king of procrastination*

 A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in love.
Just ask yourself this one question: "Would I mind being
destroyed financially by this person?"

 Well if you have kids with them your chances multiply tenfold.

HAHAHAHA

They do say that getting married is the biggest financial decision you'll ever make....

And possible the worst?

 Not if you find the right person.

Oh yeah.... good point!

*light bulb moment*

That's how I'll get my Ferrari!

 Not what I really meant.

kekeke!

 1. Sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off.

 2.  Smith & wesson: the original point and click interface.

 3. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. 

 4. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. 

 5. Support your local Search and Rescue unit. Get lost. 

 6. Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else. 

 7. The beatings will continue until morale improves. 

 8. The best things in life aren't things. 

 9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 

10. The future will be better tomorrow.   

HAHAHAHA

I like no 2!!

and 3.... and 4.... and 7.... and 9 is brilliant! 

i like number 9!!! i am going to create an opportunity in my lectures to attempt to use it!

"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm not afraid of small children."

--Jonathan Katz

 Frightened of the 'radars' though.

This reminds me of my dad

"I'm a grown woman but my father still thinks I know nothing
about my car. He always asks me, 'You changing the oil every
3,000 miles?' 'Yes, Dad. I'm also putting sugar in the gas
tank. That way my exhaust smells like cotton candy.'"
 --Mimi Gonzalez

at least her dad didn't sit her in his new car and then go (So this is the steering Wheel - which you use for ).......................after I've had my license for 5 years.

My dads advice on cars when I was 16 was rather different. Not sure I should repeat it here though.

What the hell here goes. He said ...

"If it's got tits or wheels it's trouble".

Ahhh Dads, what can't they do! 

"The good thing about having a death wish is that you're much
more likely to get that wish than, say, the one about a
lingerie-clad Nicole Kidman stopping by your apartment with
beer and pizza."
    ---Maurizio Mariotti

No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the
size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.

-Michael Pritchard 

The intermediate stage between socialism and capitalism is alcoholism.

-Norman Brenner

The intermediate stage between socialism and capitalism is alcoholism.

At least now I know where I'm at.

"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the
world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to
plan the day." --E. B. White

"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry." --Bill Cosby

What is most frightened animal by MAN today?

New Zealand SHEEP…bahhhhhhh

hahahaha terrible....

Thanks

The saying "Getting there is half the fun" became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines.

--Henry J. Tillman

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent
Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing
on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a
weapon.

-99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name

- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies

- Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

(uncredited)

ROFL!!

Love the first two!

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you
can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

that is profound.

It was hard to do. bluegirl...

I don't know how that happened, I was trying to post a quote and it wouldn't [send], so I gave up and the next minute I see that "nothing" post.

I'll try again...........

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

Herm Albright.

HAHAHAHAHA

I gotta remember that one!

that's the truth.

I went to watch a Fight once and an Ice Hockey game broke out.

ROFL!

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll you have?"

The skeleton says, "A beer and a mop."

that's one of my favorite jokes!!

Took me a while....

and then - hahahahaha!

How does the man on the moon get his hair cut?

Eclipse it!

ha ha!

here's a favorite in our home:

why do you have to go to bed?

because the bed's not going to come to you.

hahahahaha

Sounds like the standard reply from my childhood!

BIGAMIST-------A heavy fog in Italy.

lol!

i feel like dek......it took me a few seconds to get it.

(just kidding, dek)

Constipated people don't give a crap.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Am I ambivalent? Well yes and no!

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I'm a schitzophrenic

And so am I.

"Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man
to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity."
 -Karl Marx

Q: Why Did the New Zealander cross the road?

A: To ask the Sheep for Directions

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

lol!

What is the difference between a leech and a lawyer?

The leech stops sucking you dry after you're dead.

LOL!

Poor lawyers...

Poor lawyers...

Where,,,,,,Where......  

*boom tish*

LOL!

Hospitality, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and
lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and
lodging. --Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

nice one.

Rooster Prozac

Why was the rooster so unhappy?

Because he only got laid once and it was by his mother.

oh, no you didn't!

Similarly an egg ...

... only gets laid once; the only one to sit on it's face is its mother and it takes a few minutes in boiling water to get hard.

A table cloth can get laid up to three times a day or more.

Not in this day and age.... they just stay in the closet

LOL.

The truth is that if you take a little time to learn a few basic principles and some of the technical lingo, buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth. So let's get started!

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?

A: Your honor.

oh snap!

Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day?

A: I'm bacon!

hahaha

"I used to compete in sports a lot, but then I realized that
you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything."
 -Demetri Martin

The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against wacking them around a little.

- Joe Martin

Hear hear!

Just in case you didn't notice, Dek, it says wacking them around A LITTLE!

D'oh!

heheheh

What does M.A.D stand for?

Mothers Against Dyslexia.

don't you mean what does D.A.M. stand for?

"I frankly felt like the reception we received on the way in from the airport was very warm and hospitable. And I want to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave -- with all five fingers -- for their hospitality. "
--George W Bush.

Popular culture begins when someone says "That's stupid ... "

LOL! robm, he didn't really say that did he?!

Ruski - ring of truth in that!

Indeed he did. Here are some more pearls.

[These quotes from a 2001 Washington TV/Radio Correspondents dinner]

As you know, we're studying safe levels for arsenic in drinking water to base our decision on sound science, the scientists told us we need to test the water glasses of about 3,000 people. Thank you for participating.

"Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?" Let us analyze that sentence for a moment. If you're a stickler, you probably think the singular verb "is" should have been the plural "are," but if you read it closely, you'll see I'm using the intransitive plural subjunctive tense. So the word "is" are correct.

In my sentences I go where no man has gone before...I am a boon to the English language.

-George W Bush

PS.Dekrazee 1 Did you really appear on the Glasshouse? That was one of my favourite shows ever.

Me? Glasshouse? Never.... I wish though

What made you think that?

@Bluegirl......Yes.....but I changed it to match differently

I misread about the Glasshouse above, you were actually just talking about the program. Anyway the fact that you were means that we would share some similar viewpoints. I am off to search for a one-liner now.

"Some people feel the rain, others just get wet."  Bob Dylan

I like that

And yeah, I was a huge fan of the Glasshouse. And Chaser! At least now there's GoodNewsWeek to fill the void a bit.

"There's terrific merit in having no sense of humour, no sense of irony, practically no sense of anything at all. If you're born with these so-called defects you have a very good chance of getting to the top."
-Peter Cook

Q: How many blonde jokes are there?

A: One. The rest are all true stories.

HAHAHAHAHA!

that's funny. i like blond jokes.

You don’t learn anything the second time a mule kicks you.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?

Everything in the world except playground equipment is playground equipment. Only the highest, sharpest most dangerous parts of playground equipment can be considered worthy playground equipment.

lol!

hahahah I like that Ruski. One you came up with?

You don’t learn anything the second time a mule kicks you.

I think I've broken that rule before

One you came up with?

Based on observations, yes.

You laugh at me because I’m different. I laugh at you because you’re all the same.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

HHAHAHAHHA

nice ones.

i particularly like that first one.

How does Snoop Dogg keep his teeth white?

BLEEEEEE-YATCH!

hee hee.......that's silly.

Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.

hi bond.

Hi moneypenny, how's it goin?

i'm hangin' in there.

i had a rough week, but i'm pretty good  now.

and you.................how's the spy business treating you?

I haven't found any spies for a few hours now, so business is a bit slack.

Weather is bloody crap here also, 17ºC drizzling rain, and expected to get worse. 

huh............i had to go do some converting..............thank god for Q and all his gadgets.

isn't that warm for winter?

here it's currently 25 (degrees-i can't find the degree symbol) celsius, and tomorrow it's supposed to be.31.6.

considering that it's been closer to 39........it's pretty nice now.

isn't that warm for winter?

Well it is, but remember that Brisbane has a sub tropical climate, and 17ºC on a rainy day feels cold. BTW 17º is the max, it was down to 8ºC this morning.

Degree symbol is [Alt] 0186..

I love the temp when it's in the 30's.....

i can't remember that about brisbane, because i know next to nothing.......................

.................i do know about the ECCA........... (thanks ruski......hope i got it right)..

but that's about it.........well, until now.

how do i do the degree symbol? i don't get it.

EKKA, is short for the Bris Exhibition.

For the degree symbol, just press the Alt key and 0186 and when you release the Alt key the º symbol will appear. 

oh, i'm an old expert on EKKA (i was just testing you.............)

i cannot get alt 0186 to work, maybe it only works on brizzie computers.

Try, Alt 0176 and see what happens

nothing.

You have to hold the Alt key down while typing the numbers.

i am.

Do you have a character map?

° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° thank you. i was searching but couldn't remember what it was called or where to find it.

once you said the words.............i remembered.

Well done moneypenny..

couldn't have done it without you, bond.

hahahhah

Average minimum for Brisbane in July is 8 deg. The winter rain is nice for a change. Ordinarily the grass is dead by now. Walking on a nice soft damp ground is somewhat of a treat.

I thought this was for 1 liner jokes.........

In that case...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.

haha

Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.

hahahhaah

handle every stressful situation like a dog would.

if you can't eat it or play with it, pee on it and walk away.

.... or just growl at it...

grrrrr

When I was young I was told that anyone could be president. Now I’m beginning to believe it.

You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

lmao at the first one.......

the second one is great.

very dashing, bond.

I am reading a most interesting book about anti-gravity.

I just can't put it down.

ba-dum-bum.

hahahahahahhahaha

To be is to do - Socrates, To do is to be - Sartre, Do be do be do - Sinatra

They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

This is actually a payback for all the men jokes. 

bond, i'm disappointed in you.

i could handle payback.....call me a bitch if you must.....but women are not cows.

Oops,  Soweee

that's okay......i forgive you....

do not let it happen again......choose your insults wisely.

no hard feelings.

Heheheheh

Ok moneypenny, we'll call it a draw ?

for you, bond?

of course.

Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.

I need someone really bad!...... Are you really bad?

i like 'em...

i also like your new spinning avatar..............(it is new.....right?)

The avatar is one of my (Formula 1) race weekend avatar's, designed to help Ferrari to win the Hungarian GP, tonight Aussie time.  It will be replaced by my usual prancing horse avatar on Monday.

This is true.... 

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

really? i'd never see you again for $10 if you're interested....

$10? Is that all??

Cheapskate

i hear you, bond.....

romeo......i might have a fiver.....

Oh well, the avatar only got us a third place, so back to the prancing horse again..

ah.....the real you...

i like.....

I like blue yellow flowers too.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa

did he also have no short-term memory?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

I love that one!!

Alzheimer's allows you to meet new people every day

LOL! Evil but funny.

As an aside, a bad memory does the same for repeats of movies

mix up the letters.....satan....santa......

ok.......

Did you hear about the dyslexic dingo?

Went to the gardens and ate all the Azalias.

Terrible.

hahahahaha

You're right... terrible....

i think it's pretty funny....

i think it's pretty funny.....

its not that funny...

i haven't had coffee yet......

so 1. it is funny

and 2.

"We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath.
'Well, I'm bored...let's go brush our teeth.' Or, 'I've got
to make a phone call, hold this gum in your mouth.'"
 --Brad Stine

um......sorry, ruski.....but how is that dyslexic?

maybe it's just a stupid dingo......or one that doesn't really speak english....

wow...that is weird...the dingo joke showed up now as the most recent post...i didn't recognize it......and now i see that i thought it was funny before......

sither

1. romeo is right and it's not funny

or 2. i was right and it was funny because i hadn't had my coffee yet.

dek....those are funny.

dek is also very confused

me too.....but that's just us.

the trouble with confusion round here, is that it has a tendency to spread rapidly...

too true.

Did you hear about the dyslexic dingo?

Went to the gardens and ate all the Azalias.

You'd have to have a knowlege of Aust history in the 1980's to understand this.

oh...okay.

i didn't get the reference

the dingo ate my baby

thanks, bond.

You're welcome, moneypenny..