Maxwell
Forum for Adventurers
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" want it on record I had absolutely nothing to do with this particular cataclysm." - Fearful Symmetry
maybe you just unearthed the root of this problem...
Posted 11 Dec 10
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Book 1 Revisited **Spoiler Warning**
I know you're just going to think im being biased, but I have to say I liked the original prologue a lot better so far.
My first impression of this prologue was that it seemed like you were trying to reveal too much at one time. For example, almost all of your first paragraph is how Fell looks. The only really important thing in how he looks is probably how you explain that his hair is messy. That shows his character, if only a little. His "Long arms" and "Gold candidate's tunic" aren't a key to understanding who he is as a character and should therefore be left to the bulk of the story.
As I say that though, it seems like the story felt a little forced. Once you had all the trivial appearances worked out and stated, you moved swiftly into action to attempt to gain the reader's attention which, again, felt a little forced. Almost none of the action is related to the characters. Fell's character is portrayed as strong (where the rest of the story, he's weak), Averi is shown as being quite skilled and cocky (which she isn't), and Rai... well, he might as well have been tuxedo mask in the way he showed up which isn't quite how I saw him as a quirky, charming boy... not dangerous/mysterious (although I guess all the girls see him that way when he first shows up).
Again - I wish that you'd show more of the characters in a way that doesn't detract from the story. Example: Fell's hair is messy, but maybe he could have an old bruise or scar that shows more of his time from before coming to Eastridge. Perhaps his long arms could be deceptively muscular from all his hay-bailing he had to do. Or at the very least, show a little fear and recklessness by waving his hands out in front of him while backing away.
When Averi looked down at herself and didn't see the regal gown, I thought that felt a little like telling and not showing. Perhaps you could give her a "Commanding voice which gave the boys pause. The way her shoulders squared reminded the boys of the noble lady who ruled their home town" Saying that she doesn't see a regal gown almost feels like you're giving it away.
There's not enough comedy in Rai's appearance, either. He's always been quirky. Perhaps a "Smile that could strip the paint from walls" or something.
Anyways, that's my first impressions. In summation, I think the characters need to be introduced in a way that tells more of their character. I'll agree that the original opening felt a little clunky--almost equally forced in the way you presented each character with a unique situation that best displayed their personalities. But I think, so far, it's worked better than this just because it did, in fact, display their personalities.
I hope this helps!
Posted 26 Mar 10
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Book 2, Take 2 **Spoiler Warning**
Wh...Bu... Wa.... I.... Uh... Awwwwwwwwww.
Ju... I... er..... Awwwwwww.....
Posted 22 Mar 10
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The most memorable parts of the first book would definitely be most elements of 'The Game' as well as the fiasco with Wisteria's home being attacked by brigands and the subsequent climax and portal leading to Serath.
If I could describe this book briefly, I would definitely focus more on the world as a whole, rather than the individual characters. The characters aren't overly unique, nor are they particularly deep. In fact, I think that's the whole idea. They're normal people living in an extraordinary world... and it's the world that separates this book from others. As I read the book, I recall the vivid detail of the runes, and magic system ('magic system' there's two words that never should have been placed together) as well as the harsh realities of being a warrior in training.
In short, most books use a world as a means of breathing life into unique characters. In this case, I feel that the characters were designed to breathe life into the world and make it a place that we can relate and travel to--if only in our mind.
Woot.
Posted 09 Dec 09
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There's also Rakam's sword that was remarkably valuable and now missing.
Posted 07 Feb 09
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This is sounding cooler and cooler. Can Beta peoplez sign up?
Posted 07 Apr 09
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Ullr scowled at the two intruders inside his stable. He recognized the girl easy enough, but who was this other fellow? Probably just another ill-mannered patron of the inn, he concluded. Ullr hoped, for his sake, that they didn’t take too much time talking to one another as the rain was starting to come down hard and he really wanted to get indoors.
The girl, whom he knew to be called Kiara, had rudely stolen his sleeping spot in the hayloft of the stables. Of course, she carried more favor with the innkeeper than Ullr did, being only the lowliest of street urchins, so he was forced to find another place. But after a long week testing out back-alleys and open doorways, Ullr was quickly running out of options. He stared at the lonesome stable with longing thinking sadly, there’s no place like home.
Ullr couldn’t find the words to reason with the girl, and so kept his distance. For the past two days (whenever time allowed) he’d stalk her, trying to find something he could barter with to get his hayloft back. But of course, what could a homeless boy offer a homeless girl? The answer was nothing good. So instead, he resolved to kill her while she slept and take back that which was rightfully his.
Ullr crouched behind an overturned barrel left out by the innkeeper where no one would see him. He had only a jagged piece of glass for a weapon, which wouldn’t prove much good if that burly fellow stuck around to protect her.
He’d never killed anyone before, and the longer he waited for the swordsman to leave, the more he found himself questioning his motives. Kiara likely had no idea that the hayloft was Ullr’s spot. He’d just returned one night to find her sleeping there and thought better than to wake her and argue for it. He never even tried to just reason with her, but then again, why would anyone give up such a great spot?
His train of thought distracted him from the task, and he didn’t even notice Kiara turn away to brush the gray mare. The gentleman, clearly at a loss for words, was headed back into the inn. Overcome with anxiety, Ullr leapt out a little too early, completely forgetting his original plan to come while she slept. He rushed across the pavement, his glass shard in hand. The stampede of his footsteps alerted the girl to his presence, and even the other man, who had mostly made it through the door into the inn, quickly spun to meet the unlikely assailant.
Ullr’s heart raced as he made his way across the gravel. Even from here, he could make out the glimmer in Kiara’s eyes, and his resolve quickly faded. She looked to be about sixteen, only a few years older than he was. How could he bring himself to snuff out the spark of a fire before it had a chance to grow?
Too late did he realize his folly. He was already in the open, glass shard in hand, and if he didn’t do it now he would never get another chance. Despite the pain in his heart, he could not stop himself from what he was about to do.
Luckily, someone else stopped him instead.
Posted 10 Apr 09
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